Archive for the Central London Category

The Guerrilla Division of the Catalan Tourist Board & How It Can Help Destroy Tourism in Moneypenny’s London(s)

Posted in Central London, London Mayor 2012, South London, Tourism on March 26, 2012 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Once all this mayoral election bollocks is over I will be visiting Barcelona in my role as head of the Revolutionary South London Tourist Board to liase with my good comrades, the guerrilla division of the Catalan Tourist Board, an organisation doing stirling work to highlight the timeshared super-gentrificating effect of tourism on cities. It is a phenomenon where we find even the victims of social cleansing going on credit-fuelled pretend-to-be-rich-for-a-week holidays where they export the process.

I hope to return (as mayor, of course) and set about tearing apart the London tourism industry.

I’m ooking forward to my holiday in Catalunya already. Can anyone recommend a good hotel or apartment?

(EDIT: I have nicked the images from a popular procrastination website, but I shalln’t reference them as the muppets were dismissive of this anti-tourism. Whimsical fuckheads, you know the sort – the fucking internet is full of it. I bet they wouldn’t have such a smug fucking grin if I held a knife and/or my codpiece to their throat, the bastards.)

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“Greetings From South London” Postcards

Posted in "Tradition", Art, Bermondsey Tank, Catford cat, Central London, Elephant & Castle, Fried chicken, South London, Stockwell, Tourism on October 19, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Armed with a semi-adequate appreciation of John Urry‘s theories on the touristic gaze, I have decided to act. Rather than wait for the neoliberal hub of central London to subsume the transpontine and offer ordered, sterile, homogenous “sites” for tourists to “gaze” upon (as is already happening on the South Bank), we must make sure they gazing at (and appreciating) what we want them to – traditional (and, indeed, under threat) South London experiences. And so…

(Gun not included)

In conjunction with the Revolutionary South London Tourist Board I present to you – the first in a series of transpontine postcards… Featuring brave new tourist sites including Stockwell Bus Garage, the Mandela Way T-34 tank and the Catford Cat.

These are already on sale at a number of emporiums: a few tourist stalls on the South Bank, exploitatively tied into the Kardorama monopoly, now stock them after what I can only describe as some guerilla shelfstacking… and Utrophia in Deptford also sells them.

So, what do we reckon? 30p for South Londoners, $20 for tourists? That’ll do nicely!

In Defence of Jonnie Marbles

Posted in British Empire, Central London, Change We Can Believe In, Cheesecake, Decadence, Protest, Revolution, Riots, South London, Tooting on July 20, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

After careful deliberation, something unfashionable in the internet age, I’m offering the revolutionary transpontine interpretation of recent events.

Jonnie Marbles sat through hours of polite investigation, gentle probing and media elite slippery avoidance. Elite gently nibbling elite.

He politely tweeted commentary, as it seems did half the world.

And then he stuck a pie in the face world renowned bastard, Rupert Murdoch.

And then all (polite, ineffective complaining) hell broke loose. Marbles, in absentia, was dragged over the lukewarm coals of digital justice by panicking lefties and dreary salt-of-the-earth types. He had, apparently, ruined everything. The chance to topple Murdoch’s Empire gone, vanished in a splatter of shaving custard. Apparently.

But I put it to you all that the problem lies not in Marbles’ stunt, but in the complete failure of the rest of us to join in.

There is a class of disreputable bastards of which Murdoch is currently merely the most visible that deserve at the very least a pie in the face.

Ten solid days of worldwide pie throwing would drag us closer to something resembling utopia than at any point in non-theological history.

But do we pick up the pies and join in? No! We make crawling attempts to intellectualize our own lack of balls. We decry the bravest man amongst us as somehow cowardly. We roar inside with jealousy knowing this damn sexy bastard has lived so brighter in one moment than we ever will. We even go so low as to dehumanize the elderly as an invented class of unables (would you babytalk a “nigger”?)

The problem with Marbles is, if anything, that he is too much for this world. This world, from Tooting to Tehran, should be pitipataring to the sound of the #splat hashtag made real, made revolutionary, made plural.

Marbles, I’m proud of you. I’m honoured you picked up the luridity and melodrama of our transpontine ways in your time in Mitcham, and so fantastically unleashed in the face of an enemy.

Exclusive: Kate’s Dress

Posted in Art, British Empire, Central London on April 29, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Having come across certain information thanks to certain minions riffling through certain important bins, I can unofficially announce who has designed digestive biscuit vagina’d Kate Middleton’s wedding dress…

Andres Serrano!

Yes, indeed. At posh o’clock Kate, having been lowered into Westminster Abbey by crane, will be wheeled down the aisle in a very special art installation. Crucified on a wooden cross and submerged in a vat of royal urine. Not unlike the past week’s experience of being alive in this teetering, shameful city.

Little Ease

Posted in "Tradition", Art, British Empire, Central London, Elephant & Castle, FreeSouthLondon, North London, Protest, Riots, South London, The City of London, The Decline of the Tie, Vox Pop with tags , , , , , on October 5, 2010 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

New revolutionary short film regarding the decline of the tie, the City of London, the decivilising process & medieval torture…

The Lambeth Country Show & Cityguilt

Posted in "Tradition", Brixton, Central London, FreeSouthLondon, Indigenous Culture, Protest with tags , , , , , on July 19, 2010 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

The Lambeth Country Fair  has been deemed a triumph. Locals loved it. Lots of people came, including many from over the Thamesborder. My associates over at the Revolutionary South London Tourist Board were ready to declare it a success.

But I urged caution.

I made the unusual decision to attend the Country Show in cognito. Normally I will be seen at such events in full revolutionary uniform, meeting, greeting, pressing the flesh & recruiting youngsters to our guerilla training programs. But I was very cautious of giving any indirect support to the event.

You see, my suspicions – subsequently confirmed in Brockwell Park – were that there was something retrogressive, and indeed  counterrevolutionary, about the aims of the Country Show organisers.

I am, surely, not the only one to have noted that the South London Borough of Lambeth doesn’t have any countryside. Indeed, it is a glorious slab of granite citydom.

It is therefore highly bizarre that we should see such a celebration of the country pitching up in the heart of revolutionary South London…

The Famous Lambeth Countryside (stolen photograph)

The story of human civilisation is a tale of the process of urbanification. Those who live in cities are simply more highly evolved then their country bumpkin cousins. Sad. But true.

It is the role of the enlightened South Londoner to recognise and glorificate their urbanhood. The South Londoner wryly smiles as he breathes in the smog, views the grey, smells the grime and hears whatever the onomatopœia of urban noise is.

(Or she.)

What I have now realised – all to late to stop it via extraparliamentary methods – is that the Lambeth Country Show is a big stinking cowpat of propaganda against the very citydom of South London.

And to what purpose does such propaganda serve? To repress the revolutionary urges of our half-city. To foster a false city consciousness that South London is merely a peripheral entity, existing for the benefit of Imperialist Central London and the Hegemonically Powerful North. To cultivate the misapprehension that South London is not able to go alone, to break free from its shackles. To foment the poisoned ideology that, like the dairy farmer is to Tesco, we brave transpontinists are little more than slaves to the Central Hub. And, indeed, to make the South Londoners an even more backwards race by the promoting of a romantic anachronistic idyll (which never really existed).

It is the creation of both a transpontine and generally city shame, embarrassment, self-loathing. This is a phenomenon I will call cityguilt – the latest weapon of control.

Comrades, you must avoid the artificial shames of this multifaceted guiltfare.

Do not hate the city and consequently yourself for being a maggot within it. Embrace the city. It is the result of thousands of years of human progress. Roll around the filth with an openmouth, begging, “More! More! More!” Celebrate traffic jams with euphoric dancing. Bask in the shadows of high rise estate blocks.

Pro-actively reject the idyllic countryside lie and fight back against other encroachments they make into citylife. Avoid farmers’ markets. Boycott ITV’s Emmerdale. Make nuisance calls to the Countryside Alliance.

And, most importantly of all, stay vigilant for further hegemonic attacks from our northern enemies. As the revolutionary will surges higher, deeper and harder throughout our future-republic, their attempts to keep control will become increasingly tenuous and desperate and baffling. We left ourselves open to attack this weekend. Our fledgling national identity went out in a miniskirt and the (British) judge will say we were asking for it… Trust no-one. Except me.

Nationalistic Love,

Big Wolfie – sleeping with one eye open so you don’t have to.

Embracing The Big Society

Posted in Central London, Change We Can Believe In, Clapham, Croydon, FreeSouthLondon, General Election 2010, Greater South London, South London, Tories, Tory Government, Waterloo with tags , , , , on May 21, 2010 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Comrades, it is with not a little difficulty that I have decided to make the best of a bad situation.

I have decided to embrace the Cameron administration’s fuzzy “Big Society” idea. And I make no apologies for using the word, “idea”. In its vaguest possible sense.

Anyway.

I am embracing “Big Society”. I shall conveniently ignore the fact it’s essentially a wishy-washy PR cover up for an intensification of the neoliberal accumulation & centralisation of wealth and power. Rather, I shall make like a village idiot and throw myself spreadeagled into the warm bossum of what will now be, I am sure, an explosion of volunturism to replace essential public services.

If you believe in something enough, it will happen. Yes?

I and my three beautiful wives will be available in four of South London’s busiest train stations (London Bridge, Waterloo, Clapham Junction & East Croydon) during the evening rushhour Monday to Friday, selling our handjob services to relieve stressed commuters after a hard day’s slog at the core abstract furnace of hypercapitalism. With the money we scrape together we will subsequently try our best to fund numerous services in our glorious half-city, including care of the elderly & benefit payments for the mentally ill.

I am willing to be whatever South London needs me to be…

It's BIG SOCIETY time!!!!