Archive for the Change We Can Believe In Category

London Mayoral Election: My Shocking Confession

Posted in Bermondsey Tank, Change We Can Believe In, FreeSouthLondon, London Mayor 2012, South London on March 29, 2012 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Hello. This will be a heartstring-tugging post. May I suggest  you listen to some appropriately emotional music whilst you read it…

As you will know, I have been running a campaign to be elected as Mayor of London.

I’ve been amazing, brave, handsome, controversial, staggering and amazing…

So amazing that the Evening Standard backtracked on an already-commissioned, already-written interview with me just before it went to press because it was (and I quote an insider) “it was too extremist” (they then settled down to interviewing the harmlessly centrist non-entity policy wonk Siobhan Benita – true story).

Now… before I continue I must emphasise: capitalist society is on the verge of collapse so, really my friends, there’s no point in trying to ‘fellate the corpse of representative democracy’ anymore…

Okay. There’s been a lot of filthy rumours going round that I’ve failed to raise the £10,000 deposit… I can tell you right now that’s bollocks. I did raise the money. Slightly more, in fact.

But I’ve spent it. Well, most of it.

I’m one big bag of shameful confession, waiting to be tugged open.

I’m quite concerned about reprisals, both legal and physical, given the fact some may tenuously claim I have in effect stolen this money. I therefore call on you to take sympathy on me. I’m just a boy from Streatham. I’ve never seen so much money. I was bound to go a bit crazy. I’m the victim here.

I may have wazzed a load of ill-gotten money on one glorious night of sexed-up debauchery, but I ask you as member of this unequal society – who’s the real transpontine megalomaniac pervert? Not I. Not I.

Yours, in fraudulent electioneering,

P.S. I am available for interviews, after-dinner speaking and babysitting.
P.P.S. Would any of you consider being a witness to my good character should I be tried on some jumped up corruption charges?
P.P.P.S. I have not benefitted from this financially in anyway. Furthermore, I am in no way whatsoever typing this on a golden keyboard.

London Mayor 2012: Yes, the rumours are true. I’m running.

Posted in Change We Can Believe In, London Mayor 2012, South London on December 5, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Ladies & gentlemen, I can confirm that I will indeed be standing for election as Mayor of London next year. I’m in it to win it.

Check out my first election broadcast:

I began with absolutely no plans to run for elected office, given representative politics is about as much use as fellatiating a comatosed eunuch. However the weight of pressure from you, my adoring public, became too much to ignore. Over the weekend I sought the advice of the people closest to me: my seven wives, a team of advisors and a focus group. It is only with their backing and love that I make this step today.

As the campaign moves ahead I will release more detail on my policy commitments. But for now, let me say this: Boris, Ken… the show’s over. I’ve got you in my sights, and I always get my man (men).

Whilst I plan to run a prudent campaign in which I essentially hijack the election events of richer candidates, donations would be very much appreciated. Please send them to the usual address, and ensure you make all cheques payable to the Catford Anarcho-Situationist Headquarters (CASH).

See you in City Hall!

In Defence of Jonnie Marbles

Posted in British Empire, Central London, Change We Can Believe In, Cheesecake, Decadence, Protest, Revolution, Riots, South London, Tooting on July 20, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

After careful deliberation, something unfashionable in the internet age, I’m offering the revolutionary transpontine interpretation of recent events.

Jonnie Marbles sat through hours of polite investigation, gentle probing and media elite slippery avoidance. Elite gently nibbling elite.

He politely tweeted commentary, as it seems did half the world.

And then he stuck a pie in the face world renowned bastard, Rupert Murdoch.

And then all (polite, ineffective complaining) hell broke loose. Marbles, in absentia, was dragged over the lukewarm coals of digital justice by panicking lefties and dreary salt-of-the-earth types. He had, apparently, ruined everything. The chance to topple Murdoch’s Empire gone, vanished in a splatter of shaving custard. Apparently.

But I put it to you all that the problem lies not in Marbles’ stunt, but in the complete failure of the rest of us to join in.

There is a class of disreputable bastards of which Murdoch is currently merely the most visible that deserve at the very least a pie in the face.

Ten solid days of worldwide pie throwing would drag us closer to something resembling utopia than at any point in non-theological history.

But do we pick up the pies and join in? No! We make crawling attempts to intellectualize our own lack of balls. We decry the bravest man amongst us as somehow cowardly. We roar inside with jealousy knowing this damn sexy bastard has lived so brighter in one moment than we ever will. We even go so low as to dehumanize the elderly as an invented class of unables (would you babytalk a “nigger”?)

The problem with Marbles is, if anything, that he is too much for this world. This world, from Tooting to Tehran, should be pitipataring to the sound of the #splat hashtag made real, made revolutionary, made plural.

Marbles, I’m proud of you. I’m honoured you picked up the luridity and melodrama of our transpontine ways in your time in Mitcham, and so fantastically unleashed in the face of an enemy.

A Final Solution To The Dulwich Problem?

Posted in Change We Can Believe In, Decadence, Dualities, Protest, Revolution, South London on April 2, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

People dismiss Dulwich as posh. Job done. And, of course, is.

So, when do we start a concentrated bombing campaign against this heart of malignant comfort in the heart of transpontinia?

But there is more to Dulwich than that. Dulwich has estates, nuggets of deprivation. Kids growing up seeing everyday picketfenced worlds of affluent good fortune. Everyday seeing what contemporary logic refuses them. Ivory houses. Driveways stuffed with penis-extension vehicles.

Dulwich is a hub of rub-their-faces-in-it relative deprivation.

Dulwich isn’t “nice”. It is deeply insulting to the human race.

Dulwich is South London’s premier candidate for redevelopment in the FreeSouthLondon Urban Unplanning report First Against The Wall.

#YourParkYourPlace

Posted in "Tradition", Change We Can Believe In, Decadence, FreeSouthLondon, Olympics, Revolution on March 23, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

The wonderful powers that be want us, the great unwash’d public, to tweet suggestions (using the #YourParkYourPlace hashtag) for the names of the five new E20 neighbourhoods to be built as part of the 2012 Olympic capital accumulation, er, I mean legacy project.

London divisions aside, I think these five eastside ‘bourhoods deserve names in keeping with their various qualities, individual quirks and sense of history. So after much deliberation and consultation I’ve suggested: Hypercapitalist Megaevent Afterbirth 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.

The Census 2011

Posted in "Tradition", British Empire, Census, Change We Can Believe In, Indigenous Culture, South London on March 8, 2011 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Ten years ago the Census managed to completely ignore the plight of South London. Not this time, comrades. This time we fight back. Find question 15, ‘How would you describe your national identity?’ Fill in SOUTH LONDONER.

And then take it a stage further. Find question 16, ‘What is your ethnic group?’

Go down to ‘Other ethnic group’ and tick ‘Any other ethnic group, write in’ and fill in TRANSPONTINE.

 

Algeria, South London, Bad Faith & Plonk’stalibon

Posted in Change We Can Believe In, FreeSouthLondon, Indigenous Culture, Protest, Revolution, South London with tags , , , , on July 21, 2010 by Wolfgang Moneypenny

Comrades, another bit of moonlighting for your revolutionary good. This time I’ve written an article about the political implications of Sartre’s idea of Bad Faith for the New Escapologist website. Enjoy. And be inspired.