Removed because I’m an idiot…

…a complete & utter idiot.

The Guerrilla Division of the Catalan Tourist Board & How It Can Help Destroy Tourism in Moneypenny’s London(s)

Once all this mayoral election bollocks is over I will be visiting Barcelona in my role as head of the Revolutionary South London Tourist Board to liase with my good comrades, the guerrilla division of the Catalan Tourist Board, an organisation doing stirling work to highlight the timeshared super-gentrificating effect of tourism on cities. It is a phenomenon where we find even the victims of social cleansing going on credit-fuelled pretend-to-be-rich-for-a-week holidays where they export the process.

I hope to return (as mayor, of course) and set about tearing apart the London tourism industry.

I’m ooking forward to my holiday in Catalunya already. Can anyone recommend a good hotel or apartment?

(EDIT: I have nicked the images from a popular procrastination website, but I shalln’t reference them as the muppets were dismissive of this anti-tourism. Whimsical fuckheads, you know the sort – the fucking internet is full of it. I bet they wouldn’t have such a smug fucking grin if I held a knife and/or my codpiece to their throat, the bastards.)

Shutting Down The London Underground

Now is the time in the election battle where candidates  desperately cling to the centreground. Not I. Raised a transpontine I operate a little differently.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I present to you my latest mayoral policy.

Greater London is faced with both a major housing shortage and the wreckage & waste of economic growth. I envisage London as a zero-growth city that fascilitates community responses to social need. The infrastructure that exists purely for the benefit of economic growth in a major global city must be paralysed – but as creatively as possible. Creative destruction, but not quite as Marx or Schumpeter envisaged it.

And so, what do I propose?

If/when elected mayor I will shut down the London Underground network and allow its stations and tunnels – and, yes, even train carriages – to be used for self-built housing. Subterranean shanty towns, protected from the elements, secure in the warm glow of governmental-acceptance. No state-funded Dale Farm-esque social cleansing in Moneypenny’s London, just simple decent living conditions as a bare minimum for everyone.

Now, I’m not a lunatic – I wouldn’t immediately shut down the whole tube network as soon as I arrived in City Hall after May 3rd. My tube housing plan will be a daunting task, so let’s start with the sections most necessary for the Olympics and work our way outwards.

Front page of The Sun today

The NHS has saved my balls. Literally. Twice in my life my right testicle has migrated dangerously north (like an unsatisfied transpontine). There was also the medically necessary circumcision aged around 6 years old*. And then the two – again, apparently medically necessary, even urgent – operations to widen my (for want of a less racist word) jap’s eye (can you imagine calling circumcision a “Jew de-hooding”?!).

* = The whole operations thing is horrible, especially as a kid. But the worst thing about my trip to St. George’s in Tooting for that particular snip was franchise-clown Ronald McDonald getting in the same lift as me and trying to entertain the scared-shitless kid. Fuck off, Ronald. I was terrified. And take your obvious metaphor for health service privatisation away with you. Twat.

Unstoppable Transpontine Codpiece Terror, or, What Really Happened In My EyeOnPolitics Interview

There’s been a lot of vicious rumours flying about lately. A lot of half-truths and even semi-lies. A dirty miasma of misinformation. Is it true you’re on the run, Wolfie? ask concerned children. ‘Only briefly, little comrade!’ I reply, heroically. Will you be going to prison, Mr. Moneypenny? ask worried floating voters. ‘What? Me? Nah. Not again.’

So, what did really happen during my interview with half-arsed so-called journalist Morgan Sagely for EyeOnPolitics.org? Luckily I’ve ripped a copy of the so-called broadcast off their so-called subscription-only website:

And, fearful that a middle-aged transpontine with a mild speech impediment droning on for 14 minutes would be too much for people to sit through (that’s prejudice), they also released this edited version:

Now, it’s fair to say that it’s rather unusual for a mayoral candidate to risk allowing this kind of thing to go out. Indeed – Ken, Boris and most-of-all Jenny Jones have all previously suppressed quite wanton documentation of their own predilections. But I’m different. I’m an honest candidate. Furthermore, I’m proud of my contempt for the journalist class. Thirdly, I settled out of court with that handsome young couple so this will not be used as evidence. And finally: have you ever seen anything more transpontine in your pitiful lives? Probably not.

EyeOnPolitics can be found on Twitter. They’re trying to get the hashtag #muchworsethanboris trending. Send them some abuse.

South Croydon, Referenda & Ken Stealing My Ideas

Yet more evidence that Ken is just stealing my policies but timidly watering them down so as to be virtually pointless… You need to be braver than this Ken. London is an engine of inequality that needs breaking up, but only I’ve got the balls to say so.

Wolfgang Moneypenny speaks to the South London Hardcore Podcast

As previously threatened. I discuss my mayoral campaign, my personal South London and the mutant bears versus property speculator conflict.

Click here to listen and/or download.