Posted in Uncategorized on March 20, 2012 by Wolfgang Moneypenny
The NHS has saved my balls. Literally. Twice in my life my right testicle has migrated dangerously north (like an unsatisfied transpontine). There was also the medically necessary circumcision aged around 6 years old*. And then the two – again, apparently medically necessary, even urgent – operations to widen my (for want of a less racist word) jap’s eye (can you imagine calling circumcision a “Jew de-hooding”?!).
* = The whole operations thing is horrible, especially as a kid. But the worst thing about my trip to St. George’s in Tooting for that particular snip was franchise-clown Ronald McDonald getting in the same lift as me and trying to entertain the scared-shitless kid. Fuck off, Ronald. I was terrified. And take your obvious metaphor for health service privatisation away with you. Twat.
There’s been a lot of vicious rumours flying about lately. A lot of half-truths and even semi-lies. A dirty miasma of misinformation. Is it true you’re on the run, Wolfie? ask concerned children. ‘Only briefly, little comrade!’ I reply, heroically. Will you be going to prison, Mr. Moneypenny? ask worried floating voters. ‘What? Me? Nah. Not again.’
So, what did really happen during my interview with half-arsed so-called journalist Morgan Sagely for EyeOnPolitics.org? Luckily I’ve ripped a copy of the so-called broadcast off their so-called subscription-only website:
And, fearful that a middle-aged transpontine with a mild speech impediment droning on for 14 minutes would be too much for people to sit through (that’s prejudice), they also released this edited version:
Now, it’s fair to say that it’s rather unusual for a mayoral candidate to risk allowing this kind of thing to go out. Indeed – Ken, Boris and most-of-all Jenny Jones have all previously suppressed quite wanton documentation of their own predilections. But I’m different. I’m an honest candidate. Furthermore, I’m proud of my contempt for the journalist class. Thirdly, I settled out of court with that handsome young couple so this will not be used as evidence. And finally: have you ever seen anything more transpontine in your pitiful lives? Probably not.
EyeOnPolitics can be found on Twitter. They’re trying to get the hashtag #muchworsethanboris trending. Send them some abuse.
Yet more evidence that Ken is just stealing my policies but timidly watering them down so as to be virtually pointless… You need to be braver than this Ken. London is an engine of inequality that needs breaking up, but only I’ve got the balls to say so.
Time for a round-up (and, no, not of the gulag kind)…
First, I visited The Dulwich Hamlet and recorded this charming little vlog about the day:
Secondly, have you listened to the South London Hardcore podcast yet? You should. Aside from their football alleigances the SLHC team are a pair of decent, hardworking, sponsorship-obsessed transpontines debating the issues that effect us everyday: the capitalisation of “south London”, our cultural heritage, and international antichrono terrorism.
I had the pleasure of meeting up with them in the Elephant & Castle Shopping Centre (drinking that lovely £1 Mamuśka coffee) to record an episode about my transpontinist mayoral campaign which should be up next week, so I’m giving you the heads up to listen to the other episodes before I blow them out of the water.
And thirdly… It’s twenty years since my fellow transpontine figurehead Angela Carter passed away. The as ever librarian fantastique republiqueTranspontine has dished out a lovely overview of her Southdom writings. I was once told, by a madly staring wide-eyed convulsively shaking gentleman at a squat party no less, that the exact moment he had heard of Angela’s death someone (never identified) launched a brick though their flat window. I bet Iain Sinclair would love that, the muppet.
Let her epitaph be the beginning our own:
“When the bourgeoisie got priced out of, first, Hampstead and Highgate – how long ago it seems! – and then from Camden Town and Islington, and the alternatives got priced (who’d have thought it?) out of Ladbroke Grove, there was nowhere else for all, repeat all, the poor sods to go, was there? That’s typical south London usage. Every statement is converted to a rhetorical question.”
Hmmm… controversial lack of a capital “S” there, Angie… On top of that, in today’s London Planned city of state-negotiated mass-produced gentrification (regeneration, urban renaissance and other cat-belly-tickling euphemisms) the old days of a few posh buggers drip-drip-dripping down here seems positively quaint, almost idyllic. Sort of.
Posted in London Mayor 2012 on February 1, 2012 by Wolfgang Moneypenny
Dearest Comrades.
Official nominations for the London mayor election don’t open until March, but when they do I have a week in which to deliver the completed paperwork – quite an undertaking for anything other than Boris & Ken’s well oiled election machines. I will require 330 signatories, ten from each London borough plus the City of London. We already have a database of names, but not enough yet this is where you come in. I need you to email me – freesouthlondon@gmail.com – if you are a registered voter willing to back me. Please put your London borough in the email subject for ease of reference.
Which brings to mind the massive potential Sun Ra offers as a creative inspiration for heterodox election campaign videos. Imagine a transpontine flavoured version of…
In response to a few of you asking, here’s the “adverts” from the beginning and end of the mayoral election video. Just click on the thumbnails to go to the bigguns.
Ladies & gentlemen, I can confirm that I will indeed be standing for election as Mayor of London next year. I’m in it to win it.
Check out my first election broadcast:
I began with absolutely no plans to run for elected office, given representative politics is about as much use as fellatiating a comatosed eunuch. However the weight of pressure from you, my adoring public, became too much to ignore. Over the weekend I sought the advice of the people closest to me: my seven wives, a team of advisors and a focus group. It is only with their backing and love that I make this step today.
As the campaign moves ahead I will release more detail on my policy commitments. But for now, let me say this: Boris, Ken… the show’s over. I’ve got you in my sights, and I always get my man (men).
Whilst I plan to run a prudent campaign in which I essentially hijack the election events of richer candidates, donations would be very much appreciated. Please send them to the usual address, and ensure you make all cheques payable to the Catford Anarcho-Situationist Headquarters (CASH).
The NHS has saved my balls. Literally. Twice in my life my right testicle has migrated dangerously north (like an unsatisfied transpontine). There was also the medically necessary circumcision aged around 6 years old*. And then the two – again, apparently medically necessary, even urgent – operations to widen my (for want of a less racist word) jap’s eye (can you imagine calling circumcision a “Jew de-hooding”?!).
