London Mayor 2012 Campaign Press Pack

Greetings!

I am Wolfgang Moneypenny, a candidate to become the next mayor of London. I offer something dramatically new and different, in that I have grown to hate this city – and I plan to take it back. My London will not be the plaything for a global elite and a DIY project for a handful of upwardly mobile gentrifiers, but a series of  protected authentic communities, an allotment of heterodox non-capitalistic concrete consumption.

We live in a brutally redeveloping city with social cleansing levels the BNP or EDL could only dream of. Look at yourself in the mirror, London! You are sick, and I’m offering myself as the cure.

I am proudly transpontine, and I shall defend what is rightfully mine with as much luridity and melodrama as I see fit.

Polite society, consider this a warning. I’m not running to be the next Mayor of London. I’m running to be the last Mayor of London.

Yours electorally,

Manifesto Commitments

1) City Hall to work with squatters to utilize London’s empty buildings as homes and creative spaces.

2) Disband the Metropolitan Police. Replace with a force made up of real Londoners rather than bumpkin racist careerists.

3) Force everyone who lives in Greater London who wasn’t born there to write a letter of apology addressed to all born & bred locals apologising for inflating local rents and other costs of living.

4) Hold a referendum on the potential state-funding of accelerationists.

5) Enter into immediate renegotiations with the IOC regarding the 2012 Olympics (“immediate renegotiations” is a polite way of saying “fuck off”)

6) Rip up The London Plan. Protect inner-city Londoners from the displacement euphemistically termed “urban renaissance”.

7) Fund re-education program to finally rid the city of its anti-South London prejudices.

8) Fight uneven geographic development by breaking London up into smaller urban spaces, i.e. by the building of a Thames Wall, or giving East London to Tempa T.

9) Close down the entire London Underground network and build new social housing inside the stations and tunnels.

10) Understand and expect riots as an inevitable consequence of both London’s current path and wider economic turmoil.

11) Support the #DropTheDons campaign.

12) Three-Sided Football to be played in all schools.

13) Hire some drugged-up cowboys to build a rollercoaster over the Elephant & castle roundabout in order to improve the death-rate.

My Campaign Plans

1) Soapbox speeches, leafletting, postering and all the other electioneering classics.

2) Hijacking of my rivals’ campaign events (a tactic trialled successfully at a Lib Dem event in 2010).

3) Art-vandalism. Literature-hooliganism. Audio-debauchism. Gastro-arseholism.

4) Very temporary occupations.

5) Increasingly relentless – even dare-I-say-it tedious – social media presence.

6) Unlike Boris Johnson I am not too chicken to agree to televised debates.

7) Avoid the loan sharks I had to borrow the fucking £10,000 deposit off.

A Taste Of My Propaganda

Visual Resources

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4 Responses to “London Mayor 2012 Campaign Press Pack”

  1. i want to do a phone interview please for the radio 101.4fm in London today please. say 17th thanks

  2. […] all this mayoral election bollocks is over I will be visiting Barcelona in my role as head of the Revolutionary South London Tourist […]

  3. […] you will know, I have been running a campaign to be elected as Mayor of […]

  4. […] Mayoral manifesto – Free South London… […]

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