A new chapter in the transpontine struggle

Comrades, how long has it been that you have suckled from my mutated teat?

And how lost were you when I disappeared to Brazil in hot pursuit of my AWOL accountant as my mayoral candidacy collapsed into financial controversy?

It is therefore with a heavy heart that I must leave you. As some of you will already know, I have launched a new initiative to solve the housing crisis, Moneypenny Homes. It will, I am sure, prove of far greater benefit to my constituents than idly lazing around the commune, dreaming of bombing the Millennium Dome. Just check out this VT:

Real change in a really changing world. As I have always said, dear comrades, “Achtung! The future!”

Yours succulently,

Wolfie x

Why I’m Supporting Siobhan Benita

I may have departed this mayoral election in quasi-criminal circumstances, but my bicorned shadow is still cast over the race. This weekend I dramatically declared my support for the only candidate he sees as sufficiently disregarding the pillars of western liberal democracy.

Legal Note: Suggestions Mr. Moneypenny is only supporting Mrs. Benita under payment of the pro-Boris Evening Standard is completely slanderous and/or libellous. Cease and desist.

Another Legal Note: Suggestions Mr. Moneypenny is only supporting Mrs. Benita because of some dodgy connections with a far-eastern betting syndicate are completely slanderous and/or libellous. Cease and desist.

Bishop Hates His Transpontine Flock, Comedy Millionaires Don’t Care

Watch a transpontine video nasty this Friday 13th

Disgraced fraudulent mayoral candidate Wolfgang Moneypenny and laughing stock political journalist John Sagely meet again in the interview that will simply not end, ever.

Grannymugger Productions Ltd. proudly present a video nasty adventure into the very depths of the human condition, and deeper still into Moneypenny’s sex dungeon, where reality and dream become as unreadable as right and wrong… (or… He’s a journo, so he deserves it…?)

It’s the film that turns #solidarity in #sordidhilarity.

Marvel at the tortue, wince at the baked beans, tap your toe to the musical interlude & gasp orgasmically at the dramatic finale in the Elephant & Castle subways.

I’ve Just Spent My/Your Last £10

Dear disappointed voters…

An uncampaigning update.

I am apparently being investigated by the Serious Fraud Office for my so-called embezzlement of funds raised for my election deposit. It is utterly disgusting. Even if I have embezzled people, it was only to the tune of £10,000. There’s people who avoid that much tax everyday.

I have tried to get in contact with the Tax Payers’ Alliance regarding this but they don’t seem to be interested, the astroturfed bastards.

The mayoral ‘race’ trundles along without me to its inevitably corrupt centrist conclusion. I noted with amusement that Boris & Ken nearly had a punch-up in an elevator yesterday. I think I’m the only one coming out of this election with any credit.

On the advice of a solicitor I have just spent the last ten quid of my mayoral election ‘deposit’. On what? On this:

David Harvey’s latest. Have you read any of his stuff? He’s good. The beardy acceptable Santa-like face of inevitable crisis.

Please send food parcels and gifts of money to the usual address.

Pervert Gentrification, or, Paedo-Diplomacy?

The Scottish Sun has roared howls of derision at what they see as the latest kiddie-fiddling outrage.

The paper argues that there is a systematic clustering of child sex criminals in deprived areas.

You’re probably asking yourselves, Is this shocking news or a positive move? Thankfully I’m hear to give you a radical urbanist interpretation or two.

On the one one hand, since these ex-con paedophiles are likely to be single men, and therefore with a higher than average disposable income (assuming they get jobs of course, which I admit may be a slight hole in this theory) then they will represent a gentrifying influx into a poor community, making life tougher for all. That’s fucked up.

On the other hand, paedophiles are perhaps the one sure-fire way to get the rabid right wing press to give a hoot about inequality. This pervert dumping could therefore be a progressive development.

Given this confused dichotomy, I’m pleased to welcome the political cartoonist AMRMI to shed some light onto what a cautionary search on Twitter reveals to not quite be the hot-potato issue of the day… (but I owed AMRMI a favour due to my failure to payback a donation to my now defunct mayoral election deposit fund, and Comment is Free weren’t interested – snooty bastards – so I’m publishing it here.)

(Note to AMRMI: for fuck’s sake why didn’t you do a picture about the bloody email surveillance? You’re bloody perv-obsessed.)

London Mayoral Election: My Shocking Confession

Hello. This will be a heartstring-tugging post. May I suggest  you listen to some appropriately emotional music whilst you read it…

As you will know, I have been running a campaign to be elected as Mayor of London.

I’ve been amazing, brave, handsome, controversial, staggering and amazing…

So amazing that the Evening Standard backtracked on an already-commissioned, already-written interview with me just before it went to press because it was (and I quote an insider) “it was too extremist” (they then settled down to interviewing the harmlessly centrist non-entity policy wonk Siobhan Benita – true story).

Now… before I continue I must emphasise: capitalist society is on the verge of collapse so, really my friends, there’s no point in trying to ‘fellate the corpse of representative democracy’ anymore…

Okay. There’s been a lot of filthy rumours going round that I’ve failed to raise the £10,000 deposit… I can tell you right now that’s bollocks. I did raise the money. Slightly more, in fact.

But I’ve spent it. Well, most of it.

I’m one big bag of shameful confession, waiting to be tugged open.

I’m quite concerned about reprisals, both legal and physical, given the fact some may tenuously claim I have in effect stolen this money. I therefore call on you to take sympathy on me. I’m just a boy from Streatham. I’ve never seen so much money. I was bound to go a bit crazy. I’m the victim here.

I may have wazzed a load of ill-gotten money on one glorious night of sexed-up debauchery, but I ask you as member of this unequal society – who’s the real transpontine megalomaniac pervert? Not I. Not I.

Yours, in fraudulent electioneering,

P.S. I am available for interviews, after-dinner speaking and babysitting.

P.P.S. Would any of you consider being a witness to my good character should I be tried on some jumped up corruption charges?

P.P.P.S. I have not benefitted from this financially in anyway. Furthermore, I am in no way whatsoever typing this on a golden keyboard.

Removed because I’m an idiot…

…a complete & utter idiot.

The Guerrilla Division of the Catalan Tourist Board & How It Can Help Destroy Tourism in Moneypenny’s London(s)

Once all this mayoral election bollocks is over I will be visiting Barcelona in my role as head of the Revolutionary South London Tourist Board to liase with my good comrades, the guerrilla division of the Catalan Tourist Board, an organisation doing stirling work to highlight the timeshared super-gentrificating effect of tourism on cities. It is a phenomenon where we find even the victims of social cleansing going on credit-fuelled pretend-to-be-rich-for-a-week holidays where they export the process.

I hope to return (as mayor, of course) and set about tearing apart the London tourism industry.

I’m ooking forward to my holiday in Catalunya already. Can anyone recommend a good hotel or apartment?

(EDIT: I have nicked the images from a popular procrastination website, but I shalln’t reference them as the muppets were dismissive of this anti-tourism. Whimsical fuckheads, you know the sort – the fucking internet is full of it. I bet they wouldn’t have such a smug fucking grin if I held a knife and/or my codpiece to their throat, the bastards.)

Shutting Down The London Underground

Now is the time in the election battle where candidates  desperately cling to the centreground. Not I. Raised a transpontine I operate a little differently.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I present to you my latest mayoral policy.

Greater London is faced with both a major housing shortage and the wreckage & waste of economic growth. I envisage London as a zero-growth city that fascilitates community responses to social need. The infrastructure that exists purely for the benefit of economic growth in a major global city must be paralysed – but as creatively as possible. Creative destruction, but not quite as Marx or Schumpeter envisaged it.

And so, what do I propose?

If/when elected mayor I will shut down the London Underground network and allow its stations and tunnels – and, yes, even train carriages – to be used for self-built housing. Subterranean shanty towns, protected from the elements, secure in the warm glow of governmental-acceptance. No state-funded Dale Farm-esque social cleansing in Moneypenny’s London, just simple decent living conditions as a bare minimum for everyone.

Now, I’m not a lunatic – I wouldn’t immediately shut down the whole tube network as soon as I arrived in City Hall after May 3rd. My tube housing plan will be a daunting task, so let’s start with the sections most necessary for the Olympics and work our way outwards.