Front page of The Sun today

The NHS has saved my balls. Literally. Twice in my life my right testicle has migrated dangerously north (like an unsatisfied transpontine). There was also the medically necessary circumcision aged around 6 years old*. And then the two – again, apparently medically necessary, even urgent – operations to widen my (for want of a less racist word) jap’s eye (can you imagine calling circumcision a “Jew de-hooding”?!).

* = The whole operations thing is horrible, especially as a kid. But the worst thing about my trip to St. George’s in Tooting for that particular snip was franchise-clown Ronald McDonald getting in the same lift as me and trying to entertain the scared-shitless kid. Fuck off, Ronald. I was terrified. And take your obvious metaphor for health service privatisation away with you. Twat.

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