Hello. This will be a heartstring-tugging post. May I suggest you listen to some appropriately emotional music whilst you read it…
As you will know, I have been running a campaign to be elected as Mayor of London.
I’ve been amazing, brave, handsome, controversial, staggering and amazing…
So amazing that the Evening Standard backtracked on an already-commissioned, already-written interview with me just before it went to press because it was (and I quote an insider) “it was too extremist” (they then settled down to interviewing the harmlessly centrist non-entity policy wonk Siobhan Benita – true story).
Now… before I continue I must emphasise: capitalist society is on the verge of collapse so, really my friends, there’s no point in trying to ‘fellate the corpse of representative democracy’ anymore…
Okay. There’s been a lot of filthy rumours going round that I’ve failed to raise the £10,000 deposit… I can tell you right now that’s bollocks. I did raise the money. Slightly more, in fact.
But I’ve spent it. Well, most of it.
I’m one big bag of shameful confession, waiting to be tugged open.
I’m quite concerned about reprisals, both legal and physical, given the fact some may tenuously claim I have in effect stolen this money. I therefore call on you to take sympathy on me. I’m just a boy from Streatham. I’ve never seen so much money. I was bound to go a bit crazy. I’m the victim here.
I may have wazzed a load of ill-gotten money on one glorious night of sexed-up debauchery, but I ask you as member of this unequal society – who’s the real transpontine megalomaniac pervert? Not I. Not I.
Yours, in fraudulent electioneering,
P.S. I am available for interviews, after-dinner speaking and babysitting.
P.P.S. Would any of you consider being a witness to my good character should I be tried on some jumped up corruption charges?
P.P.P.S. I have not benefitted from this financially in anyway. Furthermore, I am in no way whatsoever typing this on a golden keyboard.